“The Best Thing” Mel Robbins never started with a stressful moment during her son's ball evening.
The successful author, former lawyer and host of one of the most global Popular podcasts Talk about his latest book, “The theory of the leash: A tool that changes their life whose millions of people cannot stop talking (Hay House).
The book – which demystifies the ancient concepts of stoicism, Buddhism and Greek philosophy for the modern, trendy and multitasking public – appeared that evening, when Robbins says that it “was a monster of complete control” and “the microestion of each detail”.
Shelf Help is a chronicle of well -being where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers on their last books – all in order to learn to live a more complete life.
She was scary on the lack of adolescent dinner plans and the fact that he was raining and that they could come to the wet dance. She was on her phone and shouted to other parents and tried to take control of the situation when her daughter insisted on several occasions to let the children do it.
Let them seize tacos instead of going to a restaurant. Let them ruin their shoes in the rain. “It's their ball, not yours,” she told Robbins.
After “like the 11th time”, he finally sank, said Robbins, and she felt herself relaxing.
After sharing the experience with its 8.3 million Instagram followers, then with its legions of loyal podcast subscribers, the enthusiastic response clearly indicated it: it was to write a book. In December 2024, “The Let Them Theory”. In an interview with Robbins, Oprah Winfrey called that “One of the best self-assistance books I have ever read.”
Times spoke with Robbins about how simple phrases “leave them” and “let me” can help us feel less stressed and more empowered, and help us sail in the challenges of dating, family relationships and social media.
This interview was condensed and published for more clarity.
Mel Robbins.
(Jenny Sherman)
How did you realize that “leaving them” could work beyond the ball?
I am the kind of person who always wanted to know how to be more stoic and let go, but I have never really been able to apply philosophy when I am already emotionally triggered. The way it struck me was at the ball.
From that moment, whenever life frustrated or my husband did something that was boring, or my mother-I just started saying: “Leave them”, and I noticed that it was immediate peace in a way that I had never known in my life.
All I do is reminds people what they know how to be true. The question of trying to control things that are not for you to control, and how it simply creates stress for you is the fundamental law of human beings that have existed since the start of time.
There are two parts to theory: leave them and leave me. Why is it important to use both?
The second part is the most important part, because the second part is the place where you really indicate and you remember that your life is your responsibility. When you say: “Leave me”, you remember that in any situation – and it is literally the teaching of “the search for meaning of man” (survivor of the holocaust) the work of Viktor Frankl – the only thing that is under your control is your answer to what is happening. You can control what you think of what's going on. You can choose what you do or do not do in response. And you can choose how you treat your emotions. This is what you can control and that's where you are.
You say that the most difficult part of “leaving” is to learn to feel raw emotions without reacting immediately. Often we already react before we even think “leave them”. How do we do that?
I always work on it. I think you deserve a gold medal if you have the presence of mind to say, “I would like to be less reactive in the future.” The simple fact of being aware that it is a skill and that it would benefit you and bring more peace to your life is the first step. Part of the reason we are so reactive is that we think we are trapped because we have given so much power to others. Whenever you say: “Leave them”, even if it is after the explosion, you always broadcast emotion. What I found in my own life, because (I am) a very emotional person is that the more I say it, the more you close the distance between the impulse to return someone and say in fact: “Leave them.” And you will arrive at a point where you say it, you literally use it as a tool to catch this nervous system or this emotional response.
How can we use “the theory of the leash” to prevent this feeling of comparison and to dissipate that we often get social media?
It took me a long time to get started from this really insecure and rarity state of mind, where I really thought that if someone else had something I wanted, it meant they won and lose. I did not understand the beauty of the world in which we live, what you want in life – whether it is success or it is money or its happiness or friendship – these things are in an unlimited supply.
It took me too much time to understand that I am not in competition against someone else in the game of life. I play with them. If my friend is able to do (something), then this is proof that I – with work and over time and with patience – I can do it too.
You start to realize that other people do not support you; You do this. You are the one who uses the comparison to stop.
– Mel Robbins
You start to realize that other people do not support you; You do this. You are the one who uses the comparison to stop. You are the one who tells you that it will never happen. You are the one who tells you that you are not good enough or that you cannot understand it. When you stand in your own way, you miss the fact that literally every person who has something interested or you want in life, they can really show you how to get it. They show you what is possible.
Let's talk about “let's leave them” with regard to meetings. You say, let them show us who they are, how responsive they are. But given today's digital landscape, how do we use “leave them” while being present enough to allow flirting and mystery in relationships?
It is understanding which part of the meeting cycle You are Personally, instead of constantly trying to guess which part of the cycle, the other person is. If you are in this phase where you simply meet a ton of people, stay really focused on: “I'm cool to play the field right now.” But there will come a time when you no longer interest yourself, or when you say to yourself: “I really like this person and I don't want them to see other people.”
When you acknowledge that you are no longer in this space to want to be relaxed, the error that everyone makes is that we are now giving power to the other person who interests us now. We are now becoming detectives trying to understand when they feel the same thing as us. This is when you start chasing the potential. This is when you start to surannalyse everything you do. It is then that you start to hang on, and you start to become weird, and you start to pretend that things are always relaxed, but you are secretly looking to see if their hinge profile is still in place.
This is where you lose power. Because the best thing to do when you no longer want to be in the occasional space is to have a conversation. They could say no, but that's how you respect yourself.
Take -out
of “the theory of the leash”
It seems to say “leave them” and “leave me” requires self-confidence and self-compassion. How to get there?
You can't do it hoping that it happens. You must use the tools. One of the reasons why we do not have these conversations – or even something more subtle, as you have a roommate or a sister or a parent who is just negative or passive -agressive and you have supported him for years – is that it takes courage to say: “I do not want to have to manage this, so I will say” leave them “, because I will stop managing their mood.
It takes a lot of compassion and grace for yourself. And then you do the “leave me” game, which is: let me remember that I can choose the time and the energy I spend with this person.
You say it is particularly difficult with loved ones. Why then?
These people have known you since you were born, and they are waiting for who you are and who you should be and what should happen in this family.
Think of the family as a spider. Everything tap on the web has repercussions through everyone. Whenever you start to let your family have their opinions, or let them have their fears, or let them have their expectations and let them have their concerns – what they have always had them – when you start saying “leave them” and create space, you widen the space between the fabrics. People don't like it.
Then you say: let me live my life in a way that makes me happy; Let me continue a career that I really want to continue; Let me love the person I love. These decisions actually force others to deal with their own expectations and opinions. But that does not mean that you have to change what you do to appease them or respond to their opinions.
How to apply theory without becoming passive or distant or wait for a large explosion?
One of the things I see about people is to say, “I'm supposed to let people mistreat me?” I am supposed to let them miss respect? ” I'm like no, it probably happens right now. Because we, especially in families and with dear beings, explain bad, disrespectful and abusive behavior.
(Maggie Chiang / For Times)
If we are in a family system or a relationship where there has been a cycle of emotional violence or a cycle of narcissism, psychology is very, very difficult, because you continue to expect the hope that someone will change. We keep a fantasy alive in our heads in relation to learning to live with reality in front of us. You start to realize, whenever you say “leave them” and “leave me”, that power is not what others do. Power is in your values and how you react.
Shelf Help is a chronicle of well -being where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers on their last books – all in order to learn to live a more complete life. Do you want to start? E-mail Alyssa.bereznak@latimes.com.
